It just isn't right I've been two thousand miles down a dead-end road, let me let go.

Letting go is never simple. After being so secure with a certain person for so long is hard to let that tight grip you have on the last piece of string holding you together. It's like your relationship is hanging there by one single strand that you just can't let go of. You tell yourself day after day that you'd be better off without them out of your life, and everyone around you tells you the same. The thing is you can't take what every one's telling you and put it into an action sometimes. Right as you begin to let go their face flashes into your mind again, of them slowly pulling you close to them, holding you tight telling you that they love you (loved you) and kissing you. Then as your about to let go you grip onto those memories even harder than before and let them control your life. But not intentionally of course, sure you'd love to be able to forget and move on with life, sadly it's not that easy. You look through their business to see what their up to, only to find that they are doing exactly what YOU should be doing - moving on. BAM your mind flashes to the night you stayed out all night talking in your car with the rain beating down, looking into each others eyes talking about forever, then you come back to reality to only realize forever wasn't forever that it was just a short phase in your teen years that's slowly faded into a memory. Then you let go of the last string, and you're free.

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler.

Which hurts the most: Saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had? Have you ever had something weighing on your mind that you wish you could say to someone, but you just can't find the way to say it? It sits embedded in your brain day in and day out, passing through your mind like the steady rhythm of a pendulum swinging. One minute its on your mind, and the next it's gone only to return again momentarily to slowly torture you again. It's not that it's hard to speak, we all do that very easy. We spill thousands of words from our mouths daily, but as soon as it comes to speaking to a certain person about a certain thing its like your brain catches amnesia and forgets how to connect with your mouth. You know very well there is something you want to say but the fear of what will happen once you clear out the thoughts you have and turn them into words stops that simple task from ever happening. So while you sit there and fear the outcome you beat yourself into the ground with wonder, what would be the real outcome be if you were just to say what was on your mind? I guess they're right when they say things are easier said than done, too bad in this case it's easier thought than said. hmmmm..

If only it were that simple.

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if we had a reset button? I sometimes sit and think about how my life would play out if I could up and go somewhere and never look back. I guess that's the same thing as running away, but sometimes doesn't that sound ideal? A fresh start and a new beginning. To go somewhere new with just my family and reinvent myself with nobody to compare me to how I once was, man if only life worked like that. Unfortunately it doesn't so I guess sitting up on a cloud imagining what things would be like if it did is a waste of time. Oh reset button, why don't you exist?

Something you might not know.

I'll out talk you in any conversation, but I actually prefer to be quiet and keep to myself.
I'd rather be way too cold than be too hot.
I love the smell after it rains.
Beautiful things make me cry.
I say I despise the color yellow, but I think I secretly love it.
My favorite sound is when you step on really dry fallen tree branches.
I'm not afraid to say I talk to God, and I believe he hears what I say.
Sometimes I wonder how it would affect people if something happened to me.
Chocolate makes me gag.
Ellen follows me on twitter, no big deal.
I'm obsessed with dreams, and figuring out what everything I dream about means.
I write my grandma letters when I feel I have no one else, even though she wont ever read them.
I love when people tell me their problems.
My favorite words are Cliche` and Erotic.
Almost every song I hear makes me think of someone.
I tell people I regret nothing, when really I regret a lot.
Loose hair and Bread bag clips freak me out.
I love to write, actually I've always secretly wanted to be a song writer.
I get extremely jealous when my close friends get close with new people.
I use the word extremely too much.
Hugging people when I'm upset automatically makes me cry.
I hate when people sit on my bed right after its been made.
People who always use complex words fascinate me.
I envy people who have siblings.
My hands always get clammy.
I have a routine for everything I do.
I'm scared to do things alone, that's why I am going to Alaska.
I always re-read my text conversations before I delete them.
There's really only one person I consider my best friend.
I love learning about other cultures, and hearing other languages.
I have had an eating disorder.
I pretend to text when I see someone that I don't want to catch eye contact with.
Commitment scares me.
and I'm afraid to give my heart to someone again.

"Be yourself..Because there's nobody like you."

One word. One small suggestion. One opinion. Things like these can change a life. I never realized until today how powerful of an effect the things you say to a person can be. Things like:
telling someone they look ugly, that their too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too blunt, or too nice. At the time you might be saying it as a joke, or giving a small suggestion but the mind of most humans don't take it that way. Most of us over think everything that is said to us about who we are. For example, I will be the first to say that I was for the longest time and still am on occasion one of the biggest push overs. I will let people take advantage and walk all over me. I saw that happening to someone that I care about very much, so I made the suggestion that they stand up for themselves a little more, thinking that it was just advice at the time that would make them see that they had someone on their side that saw what was happening. Little did I know that one opinion I shared added to many opinions this person had already heard. As time went on I noticed a change in this persons whole demeanor, that light and happiness about them had slowly begun to to burn out. Finally this evening we talked about it, and to my surprise all the changes I had seen in this person fell back to that one suggestion I had given them. You don't need to be over the top blunt to get your point across when someone is doing something you don't like, and I guess thats the advice I failed to give. This is definitely a lesson I'll hold onto for the rest of my life. I'm sorry I was one of the people who made you feel like you needed to change who you were.

There's always someone...

I was laying in bed thinking about the quote, "There's always someone who is worse off than you". If that is the case for everyone, and everyone has someone out there that's far worse off than they are, then who has it the worse? Think about it.

My Biggest Fear

Everyone has a biggest fear that when faced with it it can break you down both physically and emotionally. Fears can stop you from living your life the way you want to, they can lock you in a cage and defeat you. Today I finally came to the realization of what my fear really is. Death, is honestly my biggest fear. With that said let me clarify that I'm not afraid of dying, I am actually quite at ease with the thought of dying one day because I have a strong faith in a higher power. My fear goes so much deeper than losing my own life, the thought of people I love dying terrifies me. It makes a person wonder what the point of getting so close to people really is, if one day they are just going to be ripped away from your world. In my life thus far I have dealt and seen more death than most people do at my age; I can guarantee that. I guess that's why I find it so hard to become really close with new people, the way my brain has been functioning is if I let more people in that's just more people to lose one day. My goal is to overcome this fear one day. My little cousin sparked this idea, he was playing in his hockey game a few nights ago and suffered some pretty sever injuries. Luckily he is finally out of ICU, but will remain in the hospital for who knows how many days. I just pray he over comes this.
I love you Blake.